Ripped By mstoll
MINDY: Don't worry, Mearth. Daddy and I won't be home too late.
MEARTH: You're obviously deserting me.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Ooh, I bet I know who that is. It's Grandma.
Oh, you're gonna have so much fun with her.
No, we're not.
All she does is wanna play canasta. I'm going to hide.
Okay. You hide on Grandma.
- Hi. - Hello, dear.
- Thanks for skipping your yoga class. - Oh, it's my pleasure, dear.
Wow. Mindy.
- That dress is a knockout. - Thanks.
You're going to be the hit of your high school reunion.
Oh, I hope so.
To tell you the truth, I'm a little nervous, though.
I really haven't kept up with anybody except Glenda Faye.
I don't know if I'll have anything in common with anyone else.
No, I suppose that may be true. Yes.
You're married to a spaceman, you have a full-grown son...
No, I don't think you'll have anything in common.
Ha, ha. But I'm dying to find out what happened to everybody.
Yeah. Well, now, where's my little Mearth?
Oh, I don't know, Grandma.
Oh, I'm sorry he isn't here.
Why, it's too bad, because I have a special treat for him.
MEARTH: A special treat?
You know, I have brought him
a great big delicious, mouth-watering salad.
Ugh.
Oh, no, salads are for bunnies.
Oh, Mearth, I'm only kidding.
Look, I brought you a ton, a whole ton, of brownies.
I guess so. Ooh.
Now I think about it,
I guess you're just about my favorite babysitter.
Then when I really think about it,
you're the only babysitter I've ever known.
Ho!
[SINGING] My team is red-hot
Your team ain't doodley-squat
Kick them like a horse Kick them like a donkey
Come on, now Let's beat those honkies!
Where did you find my old cheerleading sweater?
Where you hid it.
Last night when you were trying it on, you thought I was asleep.
You were like this:
I didn't do that.
- Oh, you sure did. - I did not.
Oh, yes, you did. No way, no way, no way.
If you're going to go, you'd better shake a leg.
Oh, you're right, Gram.
Mearth. Mearth, now, we want you to be a good boy,
and you mind Grandma, okay?
I will, but you have to promise me that I can dye Grandma's hair.
- No. - I wanna dye her hair.
No. That's what we're talking about. Now, be a good boy. And we'll call later
- to make sure everything's all right. - Okay.
- We'll be here. - Okay.
Don't worry about a thing, dear, and have lots of fun.
- Just go for it. MINDY: Ha, ha.
Thank you. We'll do everything she used to do in high school.
We'll forge hall passes, we'll TP the hallways,
we'll abuse substitute teachers. Ha, ha.
I never did stuff like that in high school.
Oh, in that case we'll just date the entire football team.
Yeah. Bye. Be a good boy.
- I will, I will. - If you can't be good, be reasonable.
And Daddy loves you.
- Whoo. - Ooh.
[MORK ROARS]
[EASY-LISTENING MUSIC PLAYING]
[ALL CHATTERING]
Oh, I know you.
Mindy. Mindy McConnell, right?
I'd recognize you anywhere.
- He one of your old boyfriends, Mind? - No.
Uh, Dickie Nimitz, this is my husband, Mork.
[DICKIE LAUGHS]
Gosh, you married Mindy?
She wouldn't even go to the library with me.
- Oh. - She wouldn't go with me
unless I married her first. Ha, ha.
Well, I couldn't make that kind of commitment.
- Well, here's your badges right here. - Oh.
Don't get them mixed up and wear each other's.
[DICKIE LAUGHS]
Now that we're great pals, we should start hanging out together again.
How about the library tomorrow?
- Oh, sure, we'd love to... - But we can't.
My library card expired.
- See you later, Dickie. - Yeah, excuse me for living.
Oh, here they are, Mr. And Mrs. Snugglepuss.
[MINDY CHUCKLES]
Mind, you said there wouldn't be a natural blond here.
Ha, ha. Oh, you're such a little pudding face.
- Can you believe we're here? - No.
Isn't this weird? Don't you feel we should be putting on our gym suits
and playing a game of dodge ball?
God. Ten years and nothing's changed.
- Oh. - Oh! Mindy!
Mindy McConnell!
[WOMEN SHRIEKING]
- Who are you? - Mork.
Mindy's... Mindy's better half, the yin for her yang.
Oh, smuggling basketballs, Mrs. Boyce?
[ALL LAUGH]
Yeah, this is my husband, and you're, uh, pregnant!
- There's Dickie Nimitz. - Yeah.
We used to have so much fun in the library together.
- Aah! - Dickie!
Dickie Nimitz!
[MINDY CHUCKLES]
- Who was that? - Althea Flyly.
- Yeah.
She played the lute in the marching band.
- Oh! - Remember?
No.
Well, I guess some things have changed.
But you haven't. Have I?
Well, you don't wear that headband quite so much anymore.
[LAUGHS THEN GASPS]
Mork. Uh... Uh, how about some punch?
Oh, no, thanks. I'm hypoglycaemic.
- I meant for me. - Okay. Not sure you're gonna like it.
Someone dumped some old fruit in there. It's kind of brown and... I'll go.
Mindy, Mindy.
He's here.
Who's here?
Don't you try and play cool with me. It's Steve. Steve Sanders.
Go talk to him. I know you're dying to.
I mean, you wore his ID bracelet for two years.
But I haven't seen him in ten years. I wouldn't know what to say...
Hi, Steve.
Thirty-three left,
16 right, seven left.
- Pardon me? - Your old locker combination, Mindy.
- Oh, my gosh. - Oh, my God.
He remembers your locker combo. How romantic.
If that really makes your toes tingle, this'll really knock your socks off.
This is our zip code. It's, um, 80...
- Mork. - Oh. Darn, I had it.
Steve, this is my husband, Mork.
- Oh. - For sure, totally and what it was.
[STEVE & MORK CHUCKLE]
[MORK GRUNTS]
I've seen you somewhere before, haven't I?
Maybe you went to Fairview, wasn't it?
No, I went to Chester A... School for Boys.
Oh, no. There goes Tommy Perozzi.
- Remember? Bad skin, great car. MINDY: Ha, ha.
So, Mindy, Mindy, Mindy.
- Hard to believe it's been ten years. - I know.
Yeah. Tell me everything.
- Well, I got married. Ha, ha. STEVE: Ha, ha.
- Wing. Ha, ha. - Ha, ha.
And, uh, well, I went into journalism.
In fact, I'm working at KTNS.
- Oh. - I do the news sometimes.
But mostly I just assist the manager. Stuff like that.
Well, what are you doing?
Me? Oh, well, I'm still single,
and right now I'm lieutenant governor of Wyoming.
- Wow. - Lieutenant. Mm!
I didn't even know Wyoming had an army.
So you don't mind if we have a dance for old times' sake, do you?
Oh, no, take my wife, please.
Okay. See you.
Oh, yeah, have her back by 2. Ha, ha.
Hey, Mork! Mork!
Steve and Mindy, together again.
Just like the senior prom.
Oh, there they go!
Smooch, smooch, smooch. Ha-ha-ha.
[DICKIE SMOOCHING]
Ha, ha. That's all they ever did in school.
Once I caught them necking behind the library.
Steve beat me up.
But I respected him for it.
I was a creep in those days. Ha, ha.
- Time sure does fly, doesn't it? - Yeah. Ha, ha.
Aren't you even jealous?
How can you just sit here and watch your marriage dissolve?
Oh, pshaw.
I mean, I trust Mindy farther than I can throw her.
I mean, I don't have a jealous bone in my body.
But I'm willing to rent one.
Okay, here we go.
Now, Evel, you get $50 million if you clear the three boxes.
Okay?
[MIMICKING MOTORCYCLE ZOOMING]
Got it, come on. Vroom.
I hope he makes it. Don't you? Don't you? Don't you?
[CONTINUES MIMICKING MOTORCYCLE ZOOMING]
He made it.
Yes.
Mork, how long are you gonna keep this up?
It's just silly.
Silly? Last night I saw a side of you that I rarely ever see, Mind.
- Oh. What side? - Your back.
Because your front was too busy talking to Steve.
Mommy, are you and Daddy fighting?
- Yes. - No, Mearth, sweetie.
Your dad and I are just having a little disagreement.
We really love each other very much.
Yes, your mom and I love each other very, very much,
but that's why we have to be alone for a moment.
Now, you go in the bedroom and play with the invisible dog
that Uncle Exidor gave you.
Okay. I just can't believe it.
Come on, Pablo. Let's go.
Pablo, come on. We're going to the bedroom now.
Drop that. That thing's been dead for days.
Drop it. Drop it.
Arf, arf. Come on, come on.
Oh. You probably just think I'm overreacting, don't you?
- Yes. - A silly Orkan venting his jealousy.
- Hmm? - Mm-hm.
It pretty well sums it up, Mork.
You're upsetting yourself over something I told you was over with
ten years ago.
I really think I deserve a little more of your trust than that.
Yeah, I guess I have been kind of foolish.
Yeah, come to think of it, I don't even know what...
What's his name?
Oh, Stevie.
Stevie. Heh, heh.
So it's Stevie now?
Oh, the pain, the anguish.
The solitude.
Now I know how the other two Supremes felt.
[SINGING IN HIGH VOICE] Ain't no mountain high enough
Ain't no river...
Mork, listen to me.
The only reason there was ever a Steve in my life
was because I hadn't met Mork yet.
Do you understand?
No.
Okay, be that way.
I really don't have time for this. I've gotta get to work.
Bye, Mearth. Mommy has to go to work.
I'll see you later.
Daddy, Daddy, who won?
Well, we both did, son.
You see, we had a little problem there, but now everything is just tutti-frutti.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
MORK: Oh.
- Hello. - Flowers for Mindy McConnell.
Oh, thank you very much, and here's your tip.
Never eat Mexican food and stand next to a flame.
Oh, what's in this?
Oh, no. Isn't that neat?
- You bought flowers for Mommy. - No, I didn't. Heh.
- I'll carry these. - Let's see.
No, I never bought any flowers for Mommy. Let's see here.
"Mindy, it was wonderful seeing you last night.
Let's not wait another ten years. Love, Stevie."
Who's Stevie?
He's the lieutenant governor of Wyoming
and your future stepfather.
Is that right?
Well, Pablo, better saddle up.
We're on our way to cattle country.
Come on, Dad, blow.
Oh, Mearth, you're such a comfort to me.
Hope I get to at least see you on weekends and leap years.
Are you kidding? Mommy loves you, Daddy.
I know that, but the problem is that Mommy loved someone else
before she loved me.
That's very possible.
But you must know now
that she loves you more than anything in the world, Daddy.
You're number one, you're the head honcho.
I hope you're right.
But what if you're wrong?
Don't ask me.
I haven't been able to cope with fractions yet.
I'm gonna take these flowers and be sure that they stay alive.
I guess I'll put them in the tub with Pablo.
I don't think he'll mind
after carrying that dead thing around.
Pablo. Woof, woof, woof!
I wonder if she would have loved me then.
Well, I've got two choices.
I can either stand here and talk to myself like a soap opera
or go back in time and really find out.
That's it.
I'll do it.
I haven't used these in a long time, but now's a very special occasion.
Oh, well...
Of course. Look.
Liberace's lounge slippers.
[IN HIGH VOICE] I want those shoes.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] I was an alien when I met her.
I'll go back, I'll be an alien again.
It should work the second time around.
Yeah. Should work.
Ready now.
There's no place like home.
There's no place like severe pain in the ankles.
No, wait.
I'll go back in time.
'71, here I come.
[BAND PLAYING DISCO MUSIC]
Red light! Red light!
Nobody gets in here without a student ID. That's the rules.
[IN RUSSIAN ACCENT] I am student. I am foreign-exchange student.
Happy to be in America.
My name is Vladimir lvanovich Orkoff.
But you can call me Chuck.
Look, Chuck, I don't care if you're Doctor Zhivago.
Nobody gets in here without a student ID.
Beat it before I'm forced to get physical with you.
- What seems to be the problem here? - This foreign guy's trying to crash.
I'm trying to keep this gym safe for democracy.
Ah. Well, I think there's a more reasonable way to deal with this.
Oh, thanks, Pops.
I mean, Mr. McConnell.
Do I know you from someplace?
I come by the music store all the time
looking for a copy of Brezhnev Sings Ray Charles. You know:
[SINGING] Georgy, Georgy
Look, Dickie, he's an exchange student.
- I think we can let him in. - Tsk.
Thank you very much. If you ever come to Soviet Union,
I can get you such beautiful women. You know, Soviet girls.
[MORK GRUNTS]
[MORK NICKERS]
Hey, I'm sorry about the misunderstanding,
especially since you're the only guy here without a date except for me.
[DICKIE CHUCKLES]
Whoa. Who is she? She is one foxy mammal.
Boy, I would walk ten miles in the snow just to stand in her garbage.
That's Mindy McConnell. You might as well forget it.
I've been after her since the second grade.
You'd think by now I'd at least have gotten a pity date.
She's only got eyes for that nerd Steve.
Well, I don't care what you say, I am going to marry her.
DICKIE: Dream on.
Boy, she's got a Jiffy Pop hairdo too.
I may not be a poli-sci major,
but I still think that history will prove that Nixon is a great president.
I think Karl knows what he's talking about.
He writes for his college paper.
Really?
Do they have a good Journalism Department at Columbia?
Come on, Snooks. How are you gonna be a reporter?
In a newspaper, you can't dot your I's with little hearts.
Give me a break, Stevie.
Good evening. How are you? Permit me to introduce myself.
I am foreign-exchange student Vladimir Ivanovich Orkoff.
But you can call me Lumpy.
Yeah. Yeah.
Excuse me, but would beefy all-American type
mind if I trip the light fanatic with his princess all-American beauty?
Are you kidding? This is a gag, right?
- You're in the Drama Department? - No. No gag, please.
For one dance, I will give you actual autographed picture of Joseph Stalin.
- Oh, you don't have to do that. MORK: Really?
- You know Stalin? - Personably.
- Some other time, okay, pal? - Sorry.
Later. On the rebound.
So tell me, Vladimir, what part of France are you from?
I wish you'd just mellow out, Steven.
The poor guy's from a foreign country.
I don't know why you're being so uptight tonight anyway.
I just thought he was kind of immature for a senior.
Steve. Steve, some of the guys are drinking beer in the bathroom.
If you came with me, they'd let me watch.
Beer? Be right back, Snooks.
Great. So you're gonna leave me here and go get loaded.
Hey, if it wasn't in the boys' room, I'd take you with me.
[MORK SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]
- Hi. - Yo. Heh.
So do you like being a foreign-exchange student?
Oh, it's not bad.
It's... I come to Boulder to study Russian literature.
Boy, that's kind of redundant, huh? Heh, heh.
You know, my art teacher went to Russia once.
She said... Well, she said it was, like, really different than from here.
Well, it's all right.
Well, let me enunciate to you.
It is basically a... You know in 1964, you had the Beatles invasion?
Well, in 1968, we had the Czechoslovakian invasion.
You got music, but we got land. Ha, ha.
Will you like to maybe, um,
well, you know, boogie now?
Shake your booties.
- Oh, you want me to dance with you? - Oh, please.
Oh, I can't. I'm going steady.
But I thought this was the land of the free
and the home of the foot-long hot dog.
MINDY: Well, it is.
- All right, I'll dance with you. - Oh, whoa.
I must do like you do.
Hey.
Look, I'm drowning.
Boy, I love this country of yours, you know?
MINDY: You do? - Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah, I guess we are pretty lucky here.
You know, I was thinking about maybe being a journalist.
I'd really like to tell people what's going on in this country.
MORK: Right off. - But I don't know.
It's kind of a hard field for a woman to break into,
and I don't know if I'd be any good at it anyway.
Oh, you must, uh, go for it, you know?
MINDY: Really? - I think that someday
your family will be so proud of you.
Thanks, that's really nice.
How do you say "thank you" in your country?
Oh, um... Well, like this:
Oh. Ha, ha.
That's nice. You know what else I was thinking about doing?
I've had enough of you, borscht brain.
Wait. Wait. I have my green card.
Wait, please. I would not like to do Esther Williams...
- Steve, that's enough. - Attention! Attention!
[DRUMMER PLAYS DRUM ROLL]
This is the moment we've all been waiting for.
It gives me great pleasure right now to announce the names
of this year's prom king and queen.
I hope this isn't another failing notice. Ha, ha.
[CROWD JEERING]
Okay, act your age, not your IQ. Ha, ha.
Okay. And the winner is...
...Katharine Hepburn!
[GIRLS GROAN]
DICKIE: Just kidding.
Oh, big surprise.
Steve Sanders and Mindy McConnell!
Oh, how dreamy! I knew it! I just knew it!
[DICKIE HUMMING "POMP AND CIRCUMSTANCE"]
Okay, make way!
Make way! The king and queen are going to dance.
[BAND PLAYING BALLAD]
Well, I hope you're happy.
Yeah, we won, didn't we?
- Is that all you care about? - They're taking our picture. Smile.
It's the biggest night of your life.
Yeah, it just might be, Steve, because this is our last date.
STEVE: What? - I used to think
you were a really nice guy, but I've changed my mind.
Later.
Lumpy, will you dance with me?
Oh, you're asking me, a humble peasant?
Whew.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Ten years in two minutes flat.
The in-flight movie wasn't that bad either.
They finally found a place to show Heaven's Gate.
- Hi. - Oh. Oh, hi.
Mind...
I came back because I feel
that we really haven't cleared the air about Steve.
Aw.
Come on, now, Mind, that's all in the past.
You know, jealousy's just insecurity,
and you've never ever given me anything to feel insecure about.
I love you.
Oh, Mork.
You know, sometimes I think I've waited my whole life for you.
Thanks for showing up.
Well, thanks for waiting.
I better go check on Mearth.
Today we're gonna teach Pablo how to avoid hair balls.
[MINDY CHUCKLES]
Oh, I picked you up a little something.
- Oh, that's nice. - Yeah.
- A little surprise. - Mm-hm.
[HUMMING "TWILIGHT ZONE" THEME]
Ripped By mstoll